Hawkeye College
by HughesHanajimaHilariaHypocrite
Summary: What has Riza done on break? Roy and co. will soon find out...Chapter 8: Girlfriends for dummies. I have a crazy updating schedule. RoyRiza, but no romance. Just a crush that we can poke fun at for humor purposes. Mild language. Reviews craved. PLEASE RnR
1. You have been accepted at

**Hi! This is my second attempt at fanfiction, following the disastrous Ten Commandments. Hopefully it's better.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own FMA or anything affiliated. That much is obvious, right? I also don't own the real Hawkeye College, which has nothing to do with FMA whatsoever. (Isn't it funny that a real actual college has that name? I got the idea when I saw it on Google doing this career search thing for school.)**

Hawkeye College 

Chapter 1: You have been accepted at…

"-Hawkeye College," I read out loud.

Havoc looked impressed. "So that's what Hawkeye's been doing on her break. I like industrious women…"

I gave him the evil eye. "MIIIINE!!!!" Shocked and amused looks from all personnel. "Um, well, anyway, that's not the point!" I looked around to make sure everyone had forgotten about his little outburst. Nobody had, but they were able to hoist their poker faces on in time. "The point is, I didn't even apply to this school! What do I do?"

Breda shrugged. "I'd go if I were you. Wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of the best sniper in Amestris. You saw what she did to Black Hayate when he chewed up her shoes, right?"

"Well, when you put it that way…" I felt slightly nervous. "All right, I'll go, but you guys have to come too."

Havoc looked affronted. "Hell, no!"

"Well, actually…" I grinned wickedly. "It's addressed to, quote, 'The Infamous Five,' unquote. Assuming that the infamous five she's referring to is us, you guys have to go or risk her gun-toting wrath."

Cue collective meep.

"That's right. It says to be at this address tomorrow for the entrance exam. Waitaminute, the _entrance exam? _But the letter says we have been accepted."

Cue collective "whatever."

"Now that that's settled-"

At that very moment, the door to the office was kicked open. Kicked in half, more accurately. A chibi blonde walked in through the wreckage, waving a piece of paper in the air and roaring loudly. "COLONEL BASTARD, IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE?!?!?!?"

Miraculously, once I had recovered from the sudden onslaught of noise, I was able to shout louder than Fullmetal (for that was who it was. Who were you expecting, the Easter Bunny?). "**FULLMETAL, THE DOOR!!!**"

Havoc, Fury, Breda, and Falman were dazedly wondering if their ears would ever be the same again. For a moment, Fullmetal looked impressed at someone reaching a louder volume than he, but then he became grumpy again. "Fine." He walked over to the door, clapped, and fixed it. "Anyway, IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE?"

After shifting a huge pile of paperwork so that I could see, I surveyed the letter Fullmetal was clutching. "If you're talking about Hawkeye College, I got one too." Fullmetal was still smoldering. "Look, it says Hawkeye on there, not Mustang. Why do you automatically assume that I'm responsible?"

"She's _your_ subordinate."

I raised an eyebrow. "Since when has Hawkeye acted like my subordinate? More like my babysitter." I turned to glance at my four other subordinates behind me. "Or so say Havoc, Breda, Falman, and Fury."

The four in question stared at each other behind my back, mouthing various things. All of them were along the lines of, _How the hell did he hear us? It was his day off!!!_

Idiots. Roy Mustang hears eeeeverything.


	2. Diagnostic Exam

Just so you know, there was a typo in the previous chapter. At one point, it says "he" when it is supposed to say "I." Yes, yes, I know this is trivial and probably doesn't affect the story at all. But I'm just a little bit crazy about typos. Bear with me. Also, I apologize to all fans of Al, but he probably won't be in this story much, if at all. I DON'T HATE HIM, I PROMISE!!! I just don't think he would fit into this fanfic. Thanks to all my reviewers, who let me know whether this story is good or not. Which I hope it is. Anyway, on with the story.

Hawkeye College 

Chapter 2: Diagnostic Exam

"So, now that that's settled," Fury ventured, "we should probably get going, right? I mean, we need to be there in an hour."

I thought for a moment. "If we spend 15 minutes fighting for the directions, half an hour getting lost, 15 minutes actually getting there…" Epiphany. "We're late!"

The journey went just as I hypothesized. Fullmetal actually won the fight for the directions, but I got them from him by threatening to burn them to a crisp if he didn't hand them over. Alchemy is so cool. Of course, my sense of direction is crappy, so yes, we got lost. It didn't help that the address was some obscure place in a suburb of East City. How Hawkeye chose her location I don't know.

When we finally got there, Hawkeye was standing in front of a building, gun in hand. "You're late." We immediately began to babble six different explanations, five about Mustang's crappy sense of direction and one about Fullmetal's shrimpyness. You can guess who's was who's.

"Anyway, it's time for the exam. The purpose of this exam is diagnostic, as you are already accepted into the university by scholarship."

Havoc looked amazed. "I've never gotten into anything by scholarship in my life!"

Hawkeye continued, "When I use the term 'scholarship,' I mean that you needed the education." She looked around at us. "Badly."

Havoc's face fell. "But don't worry!" Hawkeye hastened. "Because by the end of your course at Hawkeye College, you will be smarter, wiser, and less procrastinatory!"

I don't like the sound of that.

"Time to start the exam!"

Hawkeye led us inside the building. "You will each be in a room by yourself, filled with a ridiculously large amount of paperwork. After…" she checked her watch. "Two hours, all the paperwork must be done."

I nearly fainted. Paperwork! Paperwork!? Paperwork!?!? How was I going to survive?

Especially if Havoc, Fury, Breda, and Falman aren't there to dump it on.

Hawkeye led us to our rooms. "You can start as soon as you get inside."

I can't believe that this is her idea of an entrance exam. How could she have picked it willingly, knowing how much I hate paperwork? Or maybe that's why she picked it. Never mind.

I think I'll keep a log of my time spent in this boring black hole. Now, to find a sheet of blank paper.

11:01 am Just got here. Am bored.

11:02 am Am still bored.

11:03 am This is pathetic. I might as well just do the paperwork.

11:04 am NOOOOO!!! PAPERWORK! THE HORROR!

11:05 am I just had a temporary fit of insanity. I was actually thinking of doing paperwork.

11:06 am At least in the office I can play poker while procrastinating.

11:07 am I SWEAR I WILL BURN DOWN THE FRCKN DOOR!!!!!

11:08 am There are at least four bullet holes in the wall behind my head.

11:09 am This is boring. I think I'm going to play some tic-tac-toe.

_(interlude, with tic-tac-toe games covering 48 straight pages)_

1:30 pm I should have started my paperwork by now. Hawkeye's going to shoot me.

1:31 pm Just keep writing and don't look at the stack of forms to fill out. I SAID, DON'T LOOK AT THE FORMS!!!

1:32 pm I am so dead.

1:33 pm I can't believe how low I have sunk. I am starting my paperwork. Nice knowing you.

**Btw, you might have noticed that I sort of idolize Havoc. My username was actually going to be HavocHanajimaHilariaHypocrite, but I changed it last-minute in memoriam.**


	3. The Essence of Fillerness

Yes, I'm still alive. Sorry for that ginormous lapse in updating. This is mostly just a filler chapter, so yeah, it might not be that exciting.

Hawkeye College 

Chapter 3: The Essence of Fillerism

I survived the paperwork.

Big surprise, right?

Five minutes after I finished it, I was lying on the floor, recuperating, when Hawkeye came in. She lifted an eyebrow at my beaten, bedraggled, paperwork-induced stupor.

"Why," I moaned, "why would you make me do such a thing? Do you enjoy torturing me?"

Hawkeye remained silent. I should have known better than to go for the pity appeal. If you looked up "professional" in the dictionary, you would see a huge picture of Hawkeye's face. I really adore- I MEAN, PROFESSIONALLY ADMIRE HER!!! I ADMIRE HER DEDICATION AND PERSEVERANCE!!! NOTHING ELSE!!! I MEAN IT!!! DON'T READ ANYTHING INTO THIS!!! **ANYTHING!!! ANYTHING!!!**

"Anyway, you passed the exam, seeing as you got all your paperwork done. Congratulations. Lunch in 10 minutes. See you there."

And she was gone.

Somehow I found my way to the cafeteria, where Fullmetal, Havoc, Fury, Breda, Falman, and Hawkeye were waiting. "Food's that way," said Hawkeye with a mischievous grin. I was very curious. Hawkeye hardly ever grinned, and mischievousness (A/N: Mischievousness? Mischieviosity?) was beyond her.

I found out _why _she was smiling precisely eight seconds later, when I spotted the lunch ladies.

__

**Cliffhanger!!!!! Whoever guesses who the lunch ladies are gets electrocookies!!! (EXCEPT YOU, EMERALD TIARA.) I'm sorry that after all this time I come up with a chapter _that_ short, but I had to make it like that so I could do the cliffie. To make up for that hideously short filler chapter, I included an alternate version of a scene in the chapter. It was originally my first draft, but I banished it to the land of omakes because of how hideously OOC it is.**

"Why," I moaned, "why would you make me do this? Do you enjoy torturing me?"

She smirked. "I do." Le Gasp. And all this time I thought she liked me as much as I liked her- WHICH IS IN A FRIEND, COWORKER SORT OF WAY!!! I SWEAR!!! "You give me so much grief, and I enjoy threatening you with my gun very much. But at work, I am your subordinate, so there is a limit how much I get to shoot at you." By this time, I must have looked like Havoc when Armstrong's sister dumped him. There was a limit on how much she could shoot at me? How come I wasn't informed?! "But here, you are _my _subordinate, so I can shoot at you as much as I want."

I fainted.

**Review, PLEEEEEEEEZE!!!! Don't forget to submit your guess on who the lunch ladies are!!!**


	4. Lunch

Again, sorry about the delay. I guess by this time you must have figured out that I don't update at the speed of light. This chapter's gonna be really funny though, so I hope that'll make up for it.

**BTW, check out HinduGoddess's fic. It's really funny. (HAH, NOW YOU HAVE TO ENDORSE MY FIC!! AN EXCELLENT ADVERTISING MANEUVER ON THE PART OF HHHH! NO APPLAUSE NECESSARY!!!!!!)**

**No, really. It is funny. HinduGoddess' and mine. MY FIC! STOP WASTING YOUR TIME WITH THIS STUPID A/N AND READ THE FRCKN FIC! IMMEDIATELY!**

Hawkeye College 

Chapter 4: Lunch

__

"!#$&&$#!#$&&$#!#$&&$#!#$&&$#!#$&&$!!!!!!!!!!!!" I hadn't known that Fullmetal was behind me. But then again, I couldn't blame him for his reaction. After all, these were the-

"HOMUNCULI! HOMUNCULI! OMFG! OMFG! OMFG!" Fullmetal proceeded to run around like a headless chicken for a few minutes, then sat down, panting.

"That's right, pipsqueak," drawled Envy. Fullmetal bared his teeth and growled. I stepped away.

The next half hour was pandemonium. Envy continued to taunt Fullmetal, who was foaming at the mouth not only from all the short jokes, but also the fact that the Real Live Seven Sins were there and nobody was making any visible attempt to kill anybody else. I felt bad for Fullmetal. Not only being called short, but being called short by a gender-confused palm tree-aloe plant homunculus androgynous thingy that kept on turning from Winry to Al to Ed himself to ME to Hawkeye to Havoc. (Havoc seemed to be Envy's favorite. Creepy.,.) I almost felt remorseful for calling him short so many times- WAIT, ME, ROY MUSTANG, REMORSEFUL??? FIRST DOING PAPERWORK OF MY OWN FREE WILL, THEN FEELING REMORSEFUL, WHAT NEXT??? MAKING THE WOMEN'S UNIFORM (WHEN I'M FUHRER) LONG PANTS??? I MUST HAVE A FEVER OR SOMETHING!!!

Meanwhile, that Whore-Munculus, Lust, was shoving her chest in Havoc's face. Poor man. Never having had a girlfriend. Of course I am always able to get whoever I want, so I have no empathy whatsoever. Haha. While Havoc was busy drooling and trying to pretend the Ouroboros tattoo wasn't there, Greed pinched his ever-present pack of cigarettes. (I don't envy- haha, Envy!- myself in a few hours when Havoc realizes they aren't there anymore.)

Undaunted by the appalling act of thievery going on right before his eyes, Fury was lecturing Greed on the evils of wearing fur. He frequently snatched Black Hayate and shoved him in Greed's face. "Would you support the BRUTAL MURDER of this POOR LITTLE DOGGY just so you can wear that jacket, Mr. Greedy?" Greed was doing his best to ignore Fury, but soon it just got to be too much and he carboned his hand and whacked Fury in the Man Area.

Gluttony's behavior was predictable (after all, it's only what he does for the other 25 hours per day. Gluttony. Cafeteria. It's not that hard.), but this time it actually had a purpose: an eating contest with Breda. Granted, barrel-bellies are not generally something I value among my subordinates, but still. You have to give him some credit for actually challenging the mindless eating machine that was Gluttony.

Meanwhile, Pride (**A/N: Instead of doing the whole OMG FUHRERHOMUNCULUS thing, I'm just going to assume that this takes place at a point where it is a known and accepted fact that FPKB is a homunculus.**) was actually doing work, in the form of slicing cucumbers. He was really going at it, chopping those cucumbers with all 80 of his samurai swords. Pride must be the most single-minded out of all the homunculi. I watched in awe as he threw a few swords in the air, as they hit the cucumber perfectly, as he removed the swords and threw them into another cucumber, as he expertly swept the slices into the cucumber-overpopulated salad bowl.

Soon I realized that I wasn't the only one staring at Pride. Falman's mouth was wide open, his eyes round as the cucumber slices they were riveted to. When he saw me looking at him, he whispered, "Someday I'M going to become a samurai like PRIDE-SAMA!!!"

Oh, great. The last thing we need is a Pride-disciple in the subordinates of the man who's going to overthrow him.

I was distracted from my thoughts by Sloth yelling, "Lunch is ready!" Everyone turned to the table.

"Eww…Sloth, did you fill these yourself?" Envy gingerly poked the water in his cup. Everyone quickly pushed their cups away from them.

"Good grief, Sloth. I knew we were trying to conserve water in the drought, but seriously…" Lust caught Gluttony stealthily sliding a cup over to him. "No, Gluttony! You aren't allowed to drink that!"

"Aww…" But Gluttony heeded Lust and pushed the cup away.

Sloth turned to the kitchen. "Wrath! Hey, Wrath! Lunchtime!"

The sleeping (Sleeping! For once! If you look up "sugar high" in the dictionary, you'll see a picture of Wrath!) child-homunculus perked up immediately. "MOMMY!!!" He attached himself to her leg. Sloth sighed, snatched the salad bowl away from Pride, and headed toward the table.

I was gonna wait for at least five reviews for the last chapter before I posted this, but then I realized that since it's been forever since I updated, my fic is all the way in the back! GASPHORRORSHOCK! I couldn't reasonably expect anyone to read a fic all the way back there, so I'm posting this to bring it to the front. The next chapter may take a while, since I haven't planned it yet, but 5 more reviews are required for it to go up at all. REVIEWS, EVEN FLAMES, ARE WELCOME WITH OPEN ARMS!!! THE PURPLE BUTTON IS ASKING YOU TO PRESS IT! DON'T LET IT DOWN!!!


	5. Never Mess With Hawkeye

**Once again, I apologize for my crazy updating schedule. Today was a SNOW DAY W00T!!!! and my friends have been guilt-tripping me to update sooner. I have to say, chapter 4 was my favorite. It was really fun to write.**

**Running out of things to say, so, uh, here it is!**

Hawkeye College 

Chapter 5: Never Provoke a Hawkeye

It was a strange sight. Hawkeye was at the head of the table, cleaning her rifle. On one side of her were Falman, Fury, Fullmetal, Breda, and Havoc, who had figured out that his cigarettes were gone and was seriously pissed. On Hawkeye's other side sat Lust, who was trying to keep Gluttony under control. Gluttony had cleaned his own plate and was now working on Envy's, which was okay because Envy didn't seem to like cucumbers. Envy, who sat next to him, was taunting Wrath. Everyone at the table felt bad for anyone who had to sit next to the shape-shifting psychopath. Sloth was trying to comfort him. I sat at the foot of the table, observing all this, while Greed and Pride, who sat both sides of me, had a good-natured discussion about politics. It was a deeply surreal experience.

"Hey, Mustang, did you steal my cigarettes?" yelled Havoc accusatorily.

Greed snickered at how dense Havoc was being. "I stole the stupid things, dumbass!"

"Give 'em back!"

"Make me!"

Soon there was a fistfight between Havoc and Greed. Our end of the table was engulfed by two pissed off guys. Suddenly I had a bright idea. Stealthily I slipped my hands onto my plate and picked up two slices of cucumber. I slowly raised my hands…

And pitched the cucumbers directly into their yelling mouths.

My strategy did the trick. Soon the entire table was embroiled in an all-out food fight. Greed and Havoc had eyes only for each other. Fullmetal was taking the opportunity to shower me with cucumber, and I was returning the favor. Gluttony caught and ate everything within his reach, and Lust sighed and took a nap. Breda, Falman, and Fury were dumping their plates on each other's heads. Sloth splashed everyone in turn, and Wrath reveled in all the mayhem. Envy stretched and shrunk parts of himself to avoid flying food. Pride was the only one who wasn't having fun. He brandished a now-filthy sheet of paper labeled "Lior Destruction Plans" and shouted stuff along the lines of, "!#$#$&(&$!!!!!"

Suddenly there was a loud gunshot and a large quantity of gray smoke. "SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!" Oops. Everyone had forgotten that a certain volatile disciplinarian sniper was still here…

Hawkeye's billion-decibel shout was enough to stop the food fight. Rigid with anger, she pointed to Havoc and Greed, and then to two mops. "Yes, ma'am." They saluted out of fear and started to clean.

Hawkeye then turned to Gluttony. In a nicer tone (she has a soft spot for Gluttony. I don't know why. Maybe it's because he has the mind of a small child?) she said, "Gluttony, can you help us clean up? I think you know what you need to do."

Gluttony stared at Hawkeye and Lust, starry-eyed. "Really? Wow, thanks!" He fell to eating the food/ammunition.

The rest of the table watched the three clean silently, not daring to talk for fear of a metal raindrop in the skull. Finally, when Greed, Havoc, and Gluttony had finished their task and were at their seats once more, did Hawkeye stand up, take a deep breath, and begin to speak.

"Hawkeye College is a one-day workshop, because I only have one more day off. Then, we all go back to our slaughtering," Envy grinned, "corruption," Pride blanched, "journeying," Fullmetal checked his pocket watch, "and paperwork." Was it my imagination, or did she just glare at me? The world may never know.

"Anyway, the homunculi can leave now. Go on, get out of here!"

The sins reluctantly left. I heard lots of angry muttering, including death threats to chibi-san, courtesy of Envy, sugar-high appeals to do this again, Mommy, please? courtesy of Wrath, and plans to torment Scar, courtesy of Lust. As soon as they were gone, Hawkeye addressed her remarks to the six of us still here.

"I'm going to pass around the schedule, because your schedules are all the same and I only made one copy to save paper. Deal with it. Then in five minutes the first class will start. See you then."

Hawkeye left, and me, Fullmetal, Breda, Falman, Fury, and Havoc crowded around the schedule. I almost suffocated when I saw it.

10:55- Arrival

11:00- Diagnostic Exam

1:00- Lunch

2:00- Dog Appreciation

3:00- Gun Theory

4:00- Gun Practical

5:00- Girlfriends for Dummies

6:00- Go Home Already!

"D-dog appreciation?!" stammered Breda. "She knows how much I hate those beasts!"

"That's why you're going," pointed out Havoc. "To learn to appreciate them." He wrinkled his nose. "I don't like the sound of that 'Girlfriends for Dummies' thing, or whatever. It might crimp my natural talent with the ladies."

"HAVOC, YOU HAVE NO NATURAL TALENT WITH THE LADIES. That's why you've never had a girlfriend!" Five voices shouted at once. "You need that class more than any of us!"

Havoc looked put out. "Except for Fullmetal. He's just a kid," he muttered stubbornly.

"Actually," I pointed out, "there's Winry…"

Fullmetal turned red while the rest of us began to taunt him. "WINRYSJUSTMYMECHANICISWEARLEAVEMEALONE!!!!!"

Okay then.

At that very moment Fury pointed out that we had just wasted four of our five minutes, and our attention turned once again to finding our way through Hawkeye College.

End chapter.

**So, how do y'all like it? Not as much fun as last chapter, but it got funner (more fun) and funner as I went along. (The food fight part was great.) My five-review rule from last chapter seemed to work pretty well, so I'm keeping it.**

**Until next chapter,**

**HHHH**


	6. Dog Appreciation

Hi, y'all. Spring is here, the birds are chirping (NOT), the flowers are blooming (NOT), and my parents are bugging me about the amount of time I spend on my computer. Too bad for them.

**To tell the truth, I was kind of stuck with this chapter, and I'm not exactly sure how it's going to go. Opinions, ideas, and constructive criticism much appreciated.**

Hawkeye College 

Chapter 6: Dog Appreciation

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" moaned Breda. "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!!!!"

After sprinting through the building trying to find the Dog Appreciation classroom, Breda had decided that his fear of dogs trumped his fear of Hawkeye any day.

"Just get the hell inside! You'll get us all in trouble!" Fullmetal used alchemy to dissolve the wall that Breda was clinging to. "Fine! Nice knowing you! The last thing you will see in your lifetime is the barrel of Hawkeye's gun!" Fullmetal turned to the rest of us. "Come on. We'll leave the coward out here."

Fury looked around from where he was trying to persuade Breda that no, dogs were not in fact terrifying monsters, they were so cute and cuddly and- well, you get the point. He made one last attempt to get Breda to come in with us, and when it failed, he reluctantly joined Fullmetal.

I thought about Breda, how from the moment I joined the military, feeling so lonely and unwanted, Breda stuck with me. Ever since I signed my name on that last form, there was a barrel-bellied pancake-head ready to sacrifice anything so that I could achieve my goal of becoming Fuhrer. I thought about all of this…

…and joined Fullmetal, leaving Breda to brave Hawkeye's wrath.

Havoc shook his head and without a word, the five of us went into the classroom.

)!+--+!( (**A/N: Isn't this a cool divider? I designed it myself!!)**

I walked into the classroom, bracing myself for something weird. I wasn't disappointed.

In the middle of the room was a huge pedestal with Black Hayate lying asleep on top of it. Stars sparkled in Fury's eyes. I was suddenly reminded of Armstrong at the Weight Lifting Museum and curled up in fetal position for a few minutes to get the horrible image out of my mind.

Around the pedestal were seven desks. One was bigger and facing all the others, and Hawkeye was seated at it. She beckoned to us to sit. "Where's Breda?"

None of us wanted to get him in trouble, but the survival instinct was stronger than the friendship instinct. Five fingers pointed out the door, and a very pissed Hawkeye stormed out.

We cringed and braced ourselves for horrible screams. They never came. Instead, a soothing female voice murmured to what seemed like an angry toddler that no, he didn't have to touch the mean nasty dog, just please, please, come in.

)!+--+!( (**I'm just not feeling very inspired, so I'm not going to move the scene along. Sorry.)**

It was a pretty easy class to sit through. Hawkeye just droned on and on about how cute and cuddly and so on Black Hayate blah blah blah. After she lectured, we each had to draw a diagram of Black Hayate and write five admirable observations. Breda kept trembling with fear, but at least he stayed in the classroom. It was improvement.

Havoc and Fullmetal finished in three seconds, and were smoking and transmuting junk metal respectively. Fury was staring up at Black Hayate with a scary look on his face. Breda's eyes were firmly shut and his paper was blank. I was doodling VERY flammable arrays in the corners of my paper.

"Time's up." Hawkeye picked up Havoc and Fullmetal's papers, slowly waved her hand in front of Fury's eyes, walked past Breda, and stopped in front of my desk. I cringed, expecting a metal raindrop in my skull at any moment. Hawkeye picked up my paper and uncapped a pen. When she placed the paper back on my desk, I dared to look at what she had written.

Splashed across the page was a huge, red, _**F--**_.

There might have been someone 50 miles away who wasn't laughing their head off.

Imagine my embarrassment. To completely mess up an assignment of drawing a stupid dog, in front of my crush- AHEM, COLLEAGUE! HAWKEYE IS MY COLLEAGUE! WE WORK AS A TEAM! **NOTHING MORE! **_**I SWEAR!!!**_

Thankfully the class ended at that very moment, and Hawkeye strode out, presumably to get ready for the next class, taking Black Hayate with her. We converged around Fullmetal, who had the schedule. Next was…Gun Theory.

Great. This was going to be a real drag, to quote Shikamaru. (**Why ****shouldn't**** Naruto exist in Amestris?**) Like I really need a gun. I have my supercool firepower.

I'm REALLY sorry about my huge updating gap. I wasn't inspired, so I kept slacking…and slacking…and slacking…you get the idea.

**Reviews feed the chaos within me, increasing my bloodlust and making me stronger, to quote Gaara. (Yes, I'm a Naruto fan. No, really?)**


	7. Guns

**I was really at a loss as to how to make this chapter interesting, but eventually I got inspired with a little help from a very boring Bat Mitzvah with very cool décor (Girl who I hung out with the entire time, whose name I don't remember, if you're out there reading this, thanks for not getting freaked out when I started scribbling on purple index cards!). I'm going to lump two classes into the same chapter, since they're basically the same thing in two different rooms.**

**I'm not sure if I put the disclaimer into all the previous chapters, so I'm just going to put it in now. This goes for the rest of the fic, got it? I'm sure that all of you have heard this before, but I don't own FMA or anything you recognize.**

**On with the fic!**

Hawkeye College

Chapter 7: Guns (aka the Parody Chapter, because there are three parodies in it: the Bat Mitzvah that inspired me, Accepted, and a certain manga Lab 5 scene.)

As we stepped cautiously into Hawkeye's classroom, she handed each of us a gun. Fullmetal, never having seen the likes of it before in his _short _life, immediately pulled the trigger.

"WHOA!" Instinctively, we all ducked and cowered. Falman squealed like a little girl. Umm…

"Ahem." We looked up and saw Hawkeye staring at us like we had three heads. "Did you really think I'd let you incompetents play with guns that were actually loaded?" OWCH. Burned. "Anyway…Falman…" She stared at Falman with mixed incredulity and disgust. "_WHAT THE HELL!?!_" **(If anyone has seen "Accepted," I modeled this part on the part where they're exploring the building and the fat guy whose name I don't remember screams like a little girl when the mummy falls from the ceiling.)**

Havoc raised his hand. "What she said."

Fullmetal nodded. "Affirmative."

Fury assented. "Roger."

Everyone looked at me, expecting to back them up on this. I searched my brain for a good synonym, wishing I had been on Thesaurus Dot Com more than once. "Umm…Amen?"

Havoc shook his head. "Colonel, get a dictionary."

It's called a thesaurus, foo'.

There was a loud CRAK, followed by a "GAAAAAH!" as Hawkeye banged her gun against Fullmetal's unsuspecting arm. "Sorry, Edward. I needed to get their attention," Hawkeye told Fullmetal dispassionately as he curled up in fetal position at her feet.

"Could you- possibly have- gotten their attention- in a way that- wouldn't inspire- Winry's wrath?" hissed Fullmetal.

Hawkeye ignored him. "So, guys, get to know every inch of this gun in your hand, and in an hour we'll start the real thing."

The real thing- like actually shooting people? Sounds fun. I'm in.

I didn't think that I would need an hour to figure out how a gun worked. After all, I had used them before. All it really involves is pointing and shooting, right?

And so, I ended up napping for an hour while my comrades familiarized themselves with their new weapons.

_I drag myself off the life raft onto the deserted desert island. I'm tired, so tired, but I know I have to look for water so I can survive. I walk and walk and walk until I can't walk anymore. I hit the ground with a thud._

_Suddenly a pretty woman is bringing a canteen to my mouth. She gives me water until I can sit up and drink it myself. She brings me some coconuts and bananas, and I devour them ravenously. Then I realize that she is wearing a miniskirt. _

_As if waiting for me to make this realization, she stands up and smiles at me. Suddenly there are twenty identical versions of her. I stand up, in a trance. The women surround me, they get closer and closer…_

And then I woke up. Given that I have had this dream multiple times before and I know _exactly _what happens at this part, waking up to a shapely woman with an extremely malevolent expression standing over me is rather awkward.

"Er…um…" I made halfhearted excuses, but I knew what was coming. I had cheated death so many times today, but now it was the end of the line. I braced myself…

And opened my eyes. Hawkeye grinned. "Oh, don't worry, I'm not going to shoot you," she said. I sighed with relief. "_They _are…"

And then she knocked me out.

**(!/:+--+:\!)**

I woke up tied to several poles. I thought this was just a trick of Hawkeye's, until I looked down.

I had at least three dozen white balloons duct-taped to various parts of my body. What kind of ridiculous trick was this?

"So you've awakened. Good. Now we can start." Hawkeye's voice rang out from across the room. My subordinates were standing in a line next to her, looking scared and confused. Except for Fullmetal, who was laughing his shrimpy head off. "Now, I have loaded each of your guns with not bullets, but paintballs. Each gun is a different color. On my whistle, you will shoot and attempt to pop the balloons. At the end, whoever has the color that's on the most balloons gets a prize."

A PRIZE? That's not fair! I don't have a chance to get the prize, because I don't have a gun. "Hey, Hawkeye! I can still shoot, dammit! Give me a gun! Give me a gun!" **("I can still fight, dammit! Give me a body! Give me a body!")**

**(If this scenario went the way it went in the manga, Hawkeye would stab Mustang into oblivion. However, because these two scenarios are completely different, this will not go that way.)**

Hawkeye completely ignored my tirade. Fury ventured to ask, "What's the prize?"

"You'll find out if you win it." Then she blew the whistle.

I don't know how long it went on, but I do know that I was encased in a small ball of noise and impact, and by the time the noise and impact receded, I was covered in paint and the balloons were lying, popped, on the ground. Hawkeye handed me a towel, picked up the balloons, and began to count them.

"Infinity, π, 36, 1, 5, OK, all done. The winner is…" Fullmetal, Breda, Havoc, Fury, and Falman waited suspensefully. "All of you!"

Fullmetal tilted his head sideways. "Huh?"

"Here's your prize. You all win," said Hawkeye, passing out the most delicious-looking chocolate chip cookies ever. "Except Colonel Mustang, of course, because he _fell asleep in my class."_

I whimpered, partly out of envy for the cookies that my subordinates were munching, and partly because of the murderous intent in her voice.

"Oh, all right. _Half _a cookie."

**So, what do you think? I feel ambitious, so I'm aiming for 7 reviews. THAT MEANS YOU! They don't have to be novels, just say whatever. Those review alerts make my day…**

**PACIFY A CRANKY TEENAGER! REVIEW! (Please.)**


	8. Girlfriends for Dummies

**Sorry for the long wait (as usual)**

**Apologies to everyone I kept waiting. When on a Naruto high, it's kind of impossible to update FMA fics.**

**(This will probably be the second-to-last chapter.)**

**Here is the long-awaited…Girlfriends for Dummies!**

Hawkeye College

Chapter 8: Girlfriends for Dummies

"All right, everyone! We've made it through the day so far (just barely), and this is your last class, Girlfriends for Dummies!" Hawkeye stood at the front of the room.

"Girlfriends. Dummies. Woot." Nobody else really got into it.

I leapt to my feet. "C'mon, guys. This is the most important class for us! And by 'us,' I mean 'you'! I'm such a natural with girls that I shouldn't even be here! EAT THAT, LOSERS!!"

Falman frowned. "How did that change in a split second from encouraging us to bragging about himself?"

"SHUT UP! The point is that you guys should be listening to this and taking notes!!"

Five faces glared at me with undisguised hostility.

Fullmetal shook his head and got up. "This is such a waste of time. Hawkeye, can I leave yet?" (Because we all know he's already got a girlfriend in Resembool. Either that or he hasn't reached puberty yet. Runt.)

Hawkeye pointed her gun straight at…where it would hurt. Fullmetal slowly inched back to his seat, his hands in the air.

"NOBODY WILL LEAVE UNTIL I SAY SO. Any questions?"

Cue collective meep.

"Didn't think so." Hawkeye tossed pens and blank sheets of paper at us. We caught them (just barely) and I decided not to brave the consequences of just letting the paper fly over my head. "For this class, a few guest speakers will attend. You will listen to their speeches attentively. Feel free to take notes."

Okaaaaay. Who could she get to speak at a made-up college, a retired Social Studies teacher? **(Nearly all of my subs at school seem to be retired Social Studies teachers. My orchestra sub didn't know what the hell she was doing, and instead of just admitting that there was no one else for the job and canceling orchestra, people who had the power to decide such things gave her the task of subbing. She pretended that she was an experienced conductor, but we were laughing at her incompetence. But I digress.)**

But then again, if she could get the Homunculi to be lunch ladies, it's best not to write her off just yet.

We were waiting expectantly for the first guest speaker…and it turned out to be…

Denny Block.

Was this some kind of joke?

As the six of us stared at him, Block stared back, getting visibly more uncomfortable. He involuntarily took several steps back until he was pressed against the wall. Finally, after a few seconds of good ol' peer pressure, he shrieked like a little girl and hid under Breda's desk.

Breda kicked him, and he ran into the center of the room and squinched his eyes shut.

"The sooner you start, the sooner you can leave," prodded Hawkeye helpfully.

"Um, okay…" Block shifted and put his hands in his pockets. "Well…"

Then he shouted at top speed, "IF YOU LIKE SOMEONE TELL THEM BEFORE A 400-YEAR-OLD FAMILY ABANDONER TAKES HER FIRST…" He broke down into anime-tears and was shepherded out by Hawkeye.

Fullmetal's face looked as if someone had done a pagan rain dance on his mother's grave. "What…how did…WHAT THE HELL! HOHENHEIM IS WITH ROSS!! THAT BASTARD!!"

Hawkeye came back in with a bemused expression on her face. "He…wasn't supposed to say that…it's not actually true…"

Fullmetal frowned. "All right."

"He was actually supposed to say something more along the lines of telling the person exactly how you feel about them instead of being in denial or something…but…that's okay too…Time for our next speaker!"

In walked Truth. **(Roy knows who Truth is, okay? Please?)**

Truth?

Huh?

"Truth…" Fullmetal was facepalming. If there was any more of this, his brain would probably explode.

"Uh…" Breda, Havoc, Falman, and Fury were understandably sweatdropping at Fullmetal's reaction. Havoc raised an eyebrow and turned to Hawkeye. "Who is this guy? Where did you pick him up?"

Hawkeye smiled sweetly. "I was walking to the grocery store one day and suddenly there was a large snowstorm. I ducked into a building for shelter and suddenly I was in another dimension where people walked on their hands and carried things with their feet. I caught sight of a poster reading, 'The Army Of Darknesse Is Recruiting. We Want You.' There was a phone number on the bottom and I was curious, so I called it. Immediately I was transported to another dimension where…"

Havoc, Falman, Fury, Breda, Fullmetal, and me were staring at each other and wondering if there were any funny ingredients in those cucumbers earlier. Hawkeye was still talking. "…and then they told me that I had to eat the leaves or get out, so I ran away and then I fell into a vortex which took me to a place where colors were their opposites and everything was mixed up and then there were some weird people around and I went up to them and asked if…"

Fullmetal started scuffing his shoe against the ground, and I checked my watch. If Hawkeye didn't wrap it up, she'd take up the whole hour devoted to this class.

Eventually Hawkeye came to the end of her story. "And then I was transported back and went to the grocery store and Truth helped me carry my stuff home."

Falman stared. "So basically, all this…_stuff_…happened to you…and then you met him at the grocery store?"

Hawkeye nodded. "Yeah, pretty much."

As the rest of us formed a small circle to discuss this disturbing new development, a shot from Hawkeye's gun rang out. "Because it's my day off, I decided to be slightly looser."

"Understatement of the year," muttered Breda.

"But, if necessary for _discipline, _I will revert back to office behavior. _Do I make myself clear?"_

"MA'AM YES MA'AM!"

"Excuse me. Am I interrupting something?"

Everyone shuddered involuntarily at that creepy voice. Hawkeye nodded briskly. "My apologies, Truth. Please speak."

Truth got up and stood in the front, invisible gaze drifting around. "Having been an inhabitant solely of the Portal up until a few days ago when I found myself transported to the sidewalk outside a grocery store, I don't really know all that much about women. In fact, there is no real purpose for me being here at all. Goodbye."

Hawkeye sighed and kicked a desk. "These speakers are not helping! He was supposed to talk about courtesy to strangers who might progress to being more than that! Ugh, this last one better be good."

Sheska walked in.

Ugh was right. Common knowledge: Sheska is to public speaking as snow is to heat. In other words, INCOMPATIBLE. However, she seemed unperturbed by our obvious disbelief in her oratory talent, and started to speak.

"Well, first the girl will get into some kind of trouble, so the guy has to rescue her. This will always happen, even if you think it's not going to. Then the girl will yell at the guy for rescuing her when she was perfectly capable of doing it herself. She will accuse him of being sexist and the guy will get defensive and call her delusional. They will yell at each other and then stomp off. Then, they will find themselves or the world in mutual trouble and realize that the best way to fight it is for the two of them to work together. They will be reluctant and work badly together at first, but as they gradually grow to understand and accept…"

By this time even Hawkeye was looking slightly confused. Fullmetal slowly raised his hand and said, "Um, Sheska…"

Sheska opened her eyes, which she'd had closed to aid concentration for her entire time in here, and smiled. "Hello, Edward! I didn't expect to see you here…"

Fullmetal looked even more confused with that confident little statement. "Uh, why?"

Sheska shrugged. "Oh, you just didn't seem like the romance novel type, I guess. I didn't expect to see you at the convention."

"What…convention…do you speak of?"

For the first time today, Sheska looked a little disconcerted. "This one. It's a romance novel convention, and Hawkeye said that they needed a speaker about the usual plot…" She looked around, noticing the rest of us for the first time. "Thisisn'taromancenovelconvention. Oh. Ah, well, I guess, I'd, uh, better be going now, um, bye!" She scampered out of the room, face burning.

Hawkeye stomped into the center again, muttering to herself. "Damn. _Damn. _Not a single one of those damn speakers…" She checked her watch and sighed. "Well, it's time for Go Home Already anyway. Everyone, follow me outside!"

Thankful that this hellish day was finally over, me and everyone followed her outside.

**I recently looked over the past chapters and was appalled. Readers, I am very sorry about the quality of past chapters and I hope that my writing as a teenager is better than it was as a 12-year-old. Speaking of time-related matters, I am also v. v. v. sorry about the lapse. As mentioned above, a Naruto high leaves little time for FMA. This is the last true chapter of the fanfic, because the next one is an epilogue. I will also be posting an extraspecial omake entitled "Dante's Deli" (yes, it's a real place, just like Hawkeye College) starring Havoc. I believe that will be posted under this story also. So basically, expect two more story updates from Hawkeye College.**

**Hilaria**


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